Why possessiveness

When it comes to coping with feelings of jealousy or insecurity , couples can cross the line from love to possessiveness. There are many subtle and not-so-subtle ways people attempt to control relationship partners as a means to calm their own emotions. In fact, attempts to exercise power over our partners actually serve to reduce and diminish our own attraction to them. When we try to control someone close to us, we limit them in ways that make them less themselves.

We want our partners and ourselves for that matter to be fulfilled, well-rounded individuals who are fully alive. When we make our partner feel guilty for choosing to spend time with friends, for example, we actually shrink their world. Otherwise, we take the air and life out of the relationship.

So how can you stop the possessive patterns in your relationship? The first step is to understand why you engage in controlling behavior, and the second step is to deal with the underlying feelings that drive you toward an unequal dynamic. Most of us have some degree of fear and insecurity surrounding our close relationships. These feelings can spring from deeper struggles we have with trust, low self-esteem, fears of rejection, loss or intimacy itself.

These deep-seated emotions can lead to a desire to control. Instead of exploring where these feelings come from, we tend to project them onto our partner and start acting out controlling behaviors that we hope will alleviate these painful feelings. For example, we may on some core level feel unlovable or like no one would ever choose us.

This negative self-concept can lead us to act out all kinds of jealous or insecure behaviors with our partner. We may act victimized and wounded by any comment or action that we can construe as disregarding or rejecting. All of these behavior patterns have a lot more to do with us than our partner.

And most of them have deep roots in our past. As children, we developed strategies or defenses in an effort to protect ourselves from difficult or painful conditions. These early experiences shaped our expectations about relationships and the defenses we formed then still play out in our lives today. That is why making sense of our own past and exploring our early attachment patterns can be very helpful in understanding our feelings of possessiveness as adults.

For example, if we experienced an anxious attachment pattern growing up, we may have felt a lot of uncertainty around getting our needs met and felt like we had to cling to our parents to make them take care of us — in essence, to survive. As adults, we may project these feelings onto our partner, feeling like we need to make things happen, remind them to notice us, etc. We may have a lot of anxiety about their movement, fearing rejection or abandonment.

As a result, we relive the past, clinging or making efforts to control our partner, so we can feel secure. Unfortunately, because these feelings are rooted in our history, we rarely, if ever, get the reassurance we seek from acting out our old defenses in the present.

Instead, we repeat patterns from our childhood, acting on our insecurities, and often pushing our partner further away in the process. The patterns and defenses we form growing up may have been adaptive to our childhood, but they can hurt our current relationships.

However, there are real steps we can take to break patterns of defensiveness and achieve an equal and trusting relationship. Enhance our sense of self — If insecurity is at the root of our possessive behavior, we have to start to look at ways to bring more self-compassion into our lives.

We have to take steps to overcome our inner critic and truly accept that we are worthy and okay on our own, independent of anyone. We are strong and capable.

Even if our worst fears come true, and our partner does reject or betray us, we have to know that our world will not end. Resist engaging in jealous, authoritative, or punishing behaviors — Actions like surveillance will only alienate our partner and drive a wedge between us.

But you would not get instant benefit from it. Gradually, over a period of time it is certainly going to help you by tranquilizing your mind. For the sake of your love you can trust on your partner and be relaxed. If you have true love for your partner, you should avoid yourself from doing things which may make you fall low in your partner's eye.

Simple things like checking one's mail, messages and phone contacts should be avoided. Some things are private and no one should have the right to break that corridor of privacy. Never leave the way you used to live before your relationship. You need to have friends, colleagues, relatives in your life so that your life moves on smoothly. These are the important ingredients of your happiness.

You should try to live a complete life by concentrating on other things which does not revolve around between you and your partner.

It's a great article! I am so possessive about some friends, husband. Is there any medical remedy for it? Valuable tips for keeping possessiveness in check, especially for those who get overly bothered in little things. Most people can be possessive. It's good to follow your own path. In the end, we are all alone. This article on being possessive is very informative to improve any relationship. Great article. Thank you. As a person with numerous years in the field of self-improvement, I've finally come to learn that the easiest and quickest way to release possessiveness and other problems is through the one and only true God.

This article on possessiveness is surely not helping! The sentences are quite rude. How to cure and how can someone know their limit when they don't even know what's that they are doing and why? Thank you for the help. I am so bothered by possessiveness, because of which I am hurting my partner and myself too. It is very painful and exhausting to feel insecure. I really want to get rid of it. And this article is going to help me for sure.

Being the most popular educational website in India, we believe in providing quality content to our readers. If you have any questions or concerns regarding any content published here, feel free to contact us using the Contact link below. Login Register. Comments Guest Author: Isha 13 Sep Guest Author: Anne 16 Mar Guest Author: Shoukathali Abdulla 07 Jun Guest Author: Alf 06 Jan Guest Author: Stella 19 Jan This is why they freak out whenever you try to have fun without them.

While some level of jealousy is bound to occur in a relationship , take note if your S. It is used to shame you and make you be on the defensive. Aimee Harris-Newon, Psy. If your partner genuinely thinks one of your friends or family members is bad news, go ahead and hear them out. According to Gilza Fort-Martinez, MS, LMFT , a licensed marriage and family therapist, they may be sabotaging your friendships to pivot your attention and time further towards them.

In extreme cases, it may also be a way for them to isolate you from caring friends and family so that they gain full control of the relationship. Are you expected to check in at a certain time?

Answer their call on the first ring? Or hang out with your S. Time apart is an element of a healthy relationship, after all. Again, this often comes back to insecurity. Take note if "your partner is needy of your time and attention," Dr. Margaret Paul, Ph. You may even want to call in the help of a therapist at that point to help you figure out your next move. Take a closer look at a partner whose one and only interest is hanging out or doing things with you.