But it's also important to remember that you don't have to apologize for every little thing in your relationship — because believe it or not, there is such a thing as apologizing too much. Ultimately, your apologies become a tool to manage them and their feelings due to your own discomfort.
Should you say you're sorry if you genuinely mess up? Of course. But you shouldn't use those two little words as a catch-all solution to any problem that pops up, minor or major. Plus there are some things that you simply don't even need to say "I'm sorry" for in the first place — here are seven things that you should never apologize for in your relationship. They might be able to help you come to terms with not having forgiveness. I forgive you. Please forgive me.
I love you. SELF does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a substitute for medical advice, and you should not take any action before consulting with a healthcare professional.
Listen closely before rushing to apologize. Try not to turn your apology into a debate. For some people, an apology often feels like an admission that they are inadequate—that, rather than having made a mistake, there is something inherently wrong with them. Others believe that offering the first apology after an argument is an admission of guilt and responsibility for the entirety of a conflict that involved wrongs on the part of both parties; they think an apology from them will allow the other person to take no responsibility for their own part in the conflict.
Sometimes an apology seems to call added attention to a mistake that may have gone unnoticed. However, in the right circumstances, a well-delivered, appropriately sincere apology will generally avoid all of these issues, and will merely serve to usher in a resolution, reaffirm shared values, and restore positive feelings.
You just have to know when and how to deliver your apology. If something you've done has caused pain for another person, it's a good idea to apologize, even if whatever you did was unintentional.
This is because apologizing opens up the doors to communication, which allows you to reconnect with the person who was hurt. It also allows you to express regret that they have been hurt, which lets them know you really care about their feelings. This can help them feel safer with you again. Apologizing also allows you to discuss what the "rules" should be in the future, especially if a new one needs to be made, which is often the case when you didn't hurt the other person intentionally.
Creating new rules for the relationship can help you be protected from getting hurt in the future as well. Basically, if you care about the other person and the relationship, and you can avoid offending behavior in the future, an apology is usually a good idea.
This doesn't mean that you need to take responsibility for things that were not your fault. For example, you can express regret at unintentionally hurting someone's feelings, but you don't have to say you "should have known better" if you truly feel there is no way you could have known they would be hurt by your actions—this is where creating a new rule can help. For example, "I'm sorry I woke you!
Now that I know you don't want people to call you after 8 p. Taking responsibility also means specifying what you did that you believe was wrong, but can entail gently mentioning what you believe was not wrong on your part.
In this way, you protect yourself from the feeling that if you are the first to apologize, you are taking responsibility for the whole conflict, or for the bulk of it.
It is also important to remember that an apology can include a simple statement such as "I am sorry that you felt that way. Another element of a sincere apology is the intention to change. Let the person know you're not going to let it happen again. You could tell your friends, "I'm going to be more aware of what I think and say about people in the future. I'll make an effort to be kinder and more positive about people, and not to talk behind their backs — especially when it's my friends.
Apologizing in person is best. But if you can't bring yourself to have a conversation in person, write a note. Whichever way you decide to communicate, be sure that you'd feel comfortable if anything you say is shared with other friends, too. Hopefully, your friends can accept your apology. But don't be discouraged if it doesn't happen instantly. Some people are quick to forgive.
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